Shark on the Menu
by Temporarily in Hiding
Summary: Itachi wakes up one morning and Kisame isn't there. Itachi searches the whole base, but can't find him. Where could he be? Did anything happen to him? Rated T just to be safe. Plz review.


Itachi woke up one morning in his and Kisame's shared apartment in the Akatsuki base

Itachi woke up one afternoon in his and Kisame's shared apartment in the Akatsuki base. It was strangely quiet for twelve in the afternoon.

_Something isn't right here._

Itachi rolled off his bed and walked over to his closet. He grabbed a cloak and pulled it over his head, without even bothering to take off his purple bunny pajamas. He didn't see the point in getting dressed every morning when he still had to wear the same stupid cloak every day.

Itachi shuffled to the kitchen, still a little sleepy. He opened the cabinet and pulled out a box of cereal. Itachi looked around for a bowl.

_Odd, usually Kisame would've shown up by now. He usually wakes up at about six or seven. _

Itachi shrugged and poured milk into his bowl. _He'll show up sooner or later._

--

It was three in the afternoon and Itachi was sitting in a lawn chair on the base's front lawn, wearing sun glasses and sipping lemonade. Deidara passed by.

"What are you doing, Itachi, un?"

"Relaxing."

Deidara looked around. "But where's Kisame, un?"

Itachi shrugged. "I don't know. The shark hasn't bothered me all day. Why do you think I'm relaxing?"

"But don't you think you should look for him, un?"

"Why?"

Deidara put his hands on his hips. "Because, un. Leader-sama will be mad if you lost him."

Itachi sat straight up. "Shit! You're right, Blondie! I have to find him!"

Itachi stood up, his lemonade still in his hand. "Now where could that fish have wandered off to?"

Deidara shrugged. "How should I know, un? You're his partner, un. Where does he like to hang out, un?"

Itachi blinked. "I don't know."

Deidara sighed and started to walk away, but Itachi grabbed his arm.

"What the hell, un?"

"You're going to help me find him, Blondie."

"And why the hell would I do _that_, un?"

Itachi gave Deidara a death glare, his sharingan shining dangerously in the afternoon soon.

"Because, Blondie, you don't want to die, do you?"

Deidara tried to hold Itachi's gaze, but failed. "No, un."

Itachi smiled and let go. "Good. Now let's go ask Hidan and Kakuzu if they've seen Kisame."

Deidara followed Itachi, rubbing his arm where Itachi had grabbed it. _Damn Uchiha._

--

"DAMNIT, ITACHI!! I TOLD YOU, I DON"T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK YOU"RE DAMN FISH FRIEND IS!! SO GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FUCKIN' FACE, ASSHOLE!"

They had found and questioned Tobi, Kakuzu, and now Hidan.

"I think that's a 'no,' un."

"DAMN RIGHT THAT'S A NO!!" Hidan had been in the middle of one of his rituals when Itachi, Deidara, Tobi, and Kakuzu had come in (Itachi had forced them to come, too).

Itachi sighed in annoyance. "Well, we've searched almost all of the base, interrogated most of the members, and _no one knows where Kisame is!!_"

"Tobi knows someone who might know."

Itachi grabbed a nearby spear and hurled it at Tobi. "WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL ME BEFORE!"

Tobi just barely dodged the spear.

"TELL ME WHO, DAMNIT!"

Tobi's voice was a small squeak. "Tobi thinks Suki would know. She is a fangirl, after all. Maybe she knows where he would go."

Itachi slammed his head into a wall. "Why didn't _I _think of that?! **SUKI**!!"

After a couple of minutes Suki appeared from a nearby staircase. She surveyed the group. "Hey, where's Kisame-san?"

Itachi glared at her. "That's what _we_ want to know!"

Suki tilted her head. "What's that have to do with _me_?"

Itachi grabbed another spear, but Deidara held him back. "Do you know where Kisame would go, un? He's been missing all day, un."

Suki leaned against the wall and stared at the group of people gathered before her.

"I could think of a dozen places where he could be right now, but considering the current situation and circumstances, I think…" Suki turned around and began walking up the stairs again.

"Where the hell are you going?" Itachi was still being held back by Deidara.

Suki's reply came clear, but faint. "Check with Zetsu, baka."

All five Akatsuki members stared at the place where Suki was standing.

"You don't think Zetsu…" but Deidara's voice trailed off as they all raced up the stairs to Zetsu's room.

_That plant-headed bastard better not have done anything stupid…_

Itachi barged into Zetsu's apartment, the other four members behind him.

Zetsu was just calmly sitting on his couch. He seemed to notice the sudden growth of people in his living room. "Yes? **What the hell do you losers want**?"

Itachi scowled. "What'd you have for lunch today, Zetsu?"

Zetsu smiled. "Not much, **Just a stray genin that wandered too far into the woods**. I'm on a diet, you see."

Itachi's frown deepened. "And what did you have for breakfast this morning?"

All of them waited in anticipation as Zetsu thought. "I'm not quite sure. Maybe some steak, or pork, or fish… No, I think it was fish."

Everyone gasped at the mention of fish. Zetsu seemed surprised at all their faces. "What? It's not like I ate anyone."

Itachi's face darkened. "That fish you ate was _Kisame_!"

Zetsu seemed even more surprised. "What? No! No I didn't!"

Hidan was slightly amused. "Oh, yeah? Then where the fuck did you find that 'fish?' Hmmm?"

"It was laying right next to the river in the garden- OHMIGOSH! I ATE KISAME!"

Hidan nodded. "That's right, fucker."

Itachi groaned. "Great, now Leader-sama's going to kill me because I let him get eaten!"

"I didn't know it was Kisame! I thought it was a fish! He was sleeping! I didn't recognize him! He wasn't wearing his cloak!" Zetsu seemed thoroughly freaked out. "**I knew it was Kisame. Kukuku**."

The group got really quiet. "**Oh, well. At least I ate him whole, right**?"

There was more silence. Then Deidara had an idea. "There's no way he could've digested him yet, un!"

There was silence for yet another moment as this idea sank in. Itachi slugged Zetsu in the stomach as hard as he could.

--

A/N: I had the idea for this story when I woke up this morning. Don't worry Kisame fans. He came out of Zetsu unharmed. Lol. To see who Suki is, please refer to my other story, _Akatsuki Fangirl_. Please review. Thanks!


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